I don’t like sleeping. I feel like whenever I sleep, I’m missing out on so much things in life. Maybe not literally, but I guess I just want more time for myself to think.
It may not seem like it, but I think a lot. Too much, at times. I may be all fun and games, but when that’s stripped away from me, all that’s left are thoughts scattered all over the place.
But most of the time, it’s just you.
Gandis Everdeen <3 ASAPHIL-UP.
I’ve always noticed you. You used to be really quiet in class. You still kind of are, I guess. You had really interesting plates and you’d always post interesting discoveries in the block’s Facebook group. I always thought you were so clever. And I’d always try to talk to you in class. And I just used interesting twice in one sentence. And I used that word again. Fuck.
When I posted my food cart progress in the group, you liked the photo. It was the only photo you liked, and you asked me what kind of glue I used.
That time I sat on the floor beside you just to see what was inside your little box. I took out your phone and it was riddled with scratches.
We got really close during the second semester. We’d always chat on Facebook about whatever.
That time when you picked me up in my dorm, I was logging out at the front desk, and you really entered the lobby. We went to a friend’s debut. We sat next to each other. I borrowed your coat.
"Sorry, kanina pa ako nakatingin sayo."
I scrunched my eyebrows and half-smiled.
"Ang ganda kasi ng mata mo sa light."
I made a face.
"Sorry. Nahiya na ako."
You did a sort-of facepalm, and looked down on the table and smiled.
We both just laughed the awkwardness off.
I gave my close friends KitKat on Valentine’s Day. I gave you one, too. Because we were close friends.
We sort of drifted apart when you left, and it was a bit awkward, but I still hugged you on your birthday anyway.
I prayed to all kinds of gods and gave up on ice cream for the summer because I really wanted to get in the same Math class as you. We weren’t close then, we only talked about two times the entire summer. We hardly even said hello. Maybe never, even.
I was happy when we found out we were classmates in Physics. We never talk in class, though.
You chose to have dinner with us. You found it awkward at first, because you said we outnumbered you. I told you it wasn’t about that. And you asked me if it was true that I was applying next sem. And you gave me two thumbs up.
You reached out for something in my hair, and I asked you what it was. You said it was nothing. I knew it was my baby hair sticking out, and I said, “my friend’s so mean, he said I’m like a lion when I put my hair up ‘cause my hair’s curly” and you said, “turn on sakin yan, curly or wavy hair." Also, you said pogi points ang sporty.
"Gusto ko ng I…N…F…J."
"Sayang, INFP ako."
We probably won’t be talking again tomorrow. I miss the little moments when we’re together, and they never last. It’s kind of sad.
I don’t know where this post is going, because I have so many thoughts in my mind right now, but I’ll only talk about one thing.
I’ve blogged about him before, but I won’t tell you which post it is, it’s up to you to guess. Haha. He’s just so..UGH
WHY CAN’T I FLIRT WITH PEOPLE it’s so sad i feel like flirting ruins my ego. Is that even normal? HAHAHA!
Whenever we have an event or something I have this urge to sit beside him even if I can’t or something. I just want to spend more time with you, because we don’t anymore. I like talking to you.
OKAY, TOTAL GIVEAWAY.
I’m digging my own grave here. I hope you don’t get to see this. Or maybe I hope you would actually get to see this, but I don’t think you’ll ever find this blog. Unless, of course, it goes viral, which won’t happen. Ever. Because I think I trust the people I shared the link with. Right, guys?
I couldn’t tell if we were subtly flirting with each other or if we were just talking normally…..okay maybe I was saying those on purpose but I don’t know about him, and I don’t want to assumer either. But yeah, in case you ever stumble upon my blog, YES, I WAS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH YOU AND YES I LIKE YOU AND PLEASE TAKE A HINT.
Our personality types make a good match. HAHAHAHA. Just saying.
Why I like nerdy boys
Someone is a nerd when their eyes light up over that thing they love, and they get all sweaty and weird and zesty and couldn’t care less who’s going to look at them strangely if they do.
It’s 3:41 am and I know I should either be sleeping or studying Physics now, but I just have to blog about this.
My friend and I have this theory that we all have certain ‘types’ when it comes to people we are attracted to. We were looking for patterns while recalling all our crushes and we’ve come up with this conclusion: we are attracted to two types of people, and they’re extreme opposites, with something in common. We’re not saying it’s the same for everyone, but it applies to some people, like us. In my case, I am attracted to nerds and to (okay, I am ashamed to admit this but okay) douche-y guys. Think of it as a Venn Diagram. 2 bubbles: nerds and douche-y guys. And the center, or the thing they have in common is they watch the same TV shows or have the same hobbies and interests as me. But let’s not get to the douche-y part because I only want to slap myself when I think of all my douche-y crushes, so let us focus on the nerds.
Nerds are hot.
Maybe not for you, but they really are for me. And by nerds, I don’t mean the stereotypical glasses-wearing, weird haircut, clumsy, bookish guys. I’m talking about the people who are passionate about things in life - be it videogames, TV series, writing, movies, Architecture, Pokemon, sports, things like that - and aren’t afraid to express their (weird) obsessions. But okay, maybe glasses are cute, too. I love it when I can talk to a guy about Game of Thrones, or The Beatles, or why spaces are arranged that way, or how the bathroom tiles are ugly, or how physics laws apply in playing badminton. I love it, and there’s no denying there. Especially if they have a good sense of humor, too, which they probably have if they like watching Community and How I Met Your Mother.
This is kind of funny. Two days ago, I watched Mortal Instruments with my best friends. There was a part in the movie (I forgot which one though) where I was hitting Rina’s arm repeatedly either because I got kilig over something or I didn’t like what was happening. I can’t remember what it was, but Hannah said something like “Why? ‘Cause you like the other one? The nerd?” and laughed. And yes, she meant it as an insult to ‘The Nerd’. What they both didn’t know was that…I really was attracted to ‘The Nerd’, and I liked him from the start. HAHAHAHA! So I went all defensive like, “hey! I actually like him”! And I’m not sure if they perceived it as sarcasm or not, but I was in no way being sarcastic.
How can you not find this guy cute? REALLY? Come on, guys. (Don’t mind the caption, I just stole this from the internet)
This love for nerds, however is not just limited to boys. And it’s not purely romantic. There’s some platonic side to it, too. I am attracted to nerdy people in general. I mean, look at my friends. They’re all nerds in one way or another. I get along with almost everyone, but my closest friends are all nerds. My best friend is a bookworm. She’s crazy over football. Another best friend practically knows John Lennon’s life story. Another one is obsessed with her dream of becoming a teacher. Another loves Anthropology (and don’t forget our never-ending discussions on personality types). All my friends are obsessively passionate about one thing, at least. And it’s different from just being fangirls. It’s the nerd life. It chose us.
Anyway, I blogged about this because I read an article on Thought Catalog entitled “Why Everyone Should Love Nerdy Boys”, and you should read it too. Here’s the link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/why-everyone-should-love-nerdy-boys/
2:37 AM - A list of things that are currently making me happy
- I’m studying Physics 71. Hello, productivity.
- I actually like studying Physics 71.
- I had Moonleaf earlier.
- My keyboard protector is hot pink.
- I just had a heart-to-heart talk with Reg, and I love how I have someone who constantly reminds me to let go and stop thinking about him. Or it. Thank you, Reg.
- I had a grand time getting half-stranded at Megan’s condo for 3 days and 3 nights. And I love her.
- Da Vinci’s Demons.
- Mortal Instruments. Because Simon is hot.
- Nerds. Nerds are hot.
- Nerds with biceps are even hotter.
- We’re finally going to have classes tomorrow. And I’m going to see my happy crush.
- My 0.05 Unipin
How I became an Assumptionist: Freedom and UP
- The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
Coming from a Catholic high school, I remember we used to discuss freedom since first year. I only knew it meant something more than being free to do things you want to, or free from things prohibiting you from doing such. That’s where it ended - the knowledge that it meant something more than its literal sense and that responsibility came with it.
One of the reasons why I chose UP was because of its freedom. People would tell me that you experience true freedom in UP. So I went to UP. They were right. In UP, we don’t have much rules to follow. Other than “don’t kill anyone”, there aren’t much rules you have to think of and be cautious of all the time. Our guards’ “No ID, no entry” only applies to the lady guard in the Math Building. We don’t have dress codes either, so don’t get shocked when you see people sporting pajamas at noon. I once had a professor who did shots with my classmates while checking our exam papers and giving out class standings. You can do anything you want because you are free to do so. No one is there to stop you.
In another note, I always labeled myself an Assumptionista. I was proud to graduate from my dream high school, Assumption. There, I was able to master the Assumption handwriting. I wore the red plaid, ate Assumption tarts, had swimming for PE. I had morning praise every day, wrote reflections almost every day. But was I really an Assumptionista in High School?
Going back to my take on freedom, I had my first slice of ultimate freedom in UP. Since there were no rules to follow, it meant there were no rules to break. It felt overwhelming to be so free to do anything I wanted to, so without thinking, I took the chance. I was overjoyed that we weren’t being eyed on by professors. Unlike in high school where the teachers had to monitor our behavior all the time and meet once in a while to talk about it, college was freeing. The professors did not give two cents about me. Recitation wasn’t exactly required, so some professors didn’t even know me. No one and nothing was holding me back from doing demoralizing acts that affect your character. Not even my conscience. After all, I was free to choose to be happy all the time. Therefore, I started doing things that were illegal in high school. Cutting classes and skipping mass top of my list. Trust me when I say it’s a very long list of delinquency. Had this list existed in high school, I would have been kicked out in a jiffy. In UP, no one forced me to pass anything, so if I didn’t feel like doing something, I’d drop the task. I became a very irresponsible student and surprisingly, it felt really liberating. I felt free.
That’s what I thought freedom was - until not long ago, when I was in the middle of a routine at the gym, I started pondering on my views in life. Freedom, particularly. Was I really free?
At that moment, something just hit me. I rediscovered my faith in God. Just because we don’t pray in UP, it doesn’t mean I have to stop praying, too. I then remembered our batch motto: “Stand firm in the Faith”. The moment I felt that grip, I never planned on letting go of it again. In high school, I had good grades. I was consistent with my academics, but I was delinquent, so my left side of the report card, Character Formation, didn’t make my parents proud. Neither did my Social Responsibility. I didn’t care much about those, though, because only Academic Excellence mattered to me. Other schools didn’t even grade character, so I never really bothered. At that same moment at the gym, I realized that the left side of the report card was even more important than the right. More than I could even express. How could I have taken my character for granted?! How could I have thought academics were everything? How could I have allowed myself to cheat during quizzes to get higher grades? There you have it, the answer to my question, was I really an Assumptionist? No. Until that life-changing moment at the gym, I wasn’t. When you look at life closer, the values taught to you weren’t just for you to be a better version of yourself. They were taught to you to be a better person for others. All those high school sermons from the teachers started making sense. You have no idea how much regret there is in me when I realized I never listened to any of them back then. I wasn’t happy about it. All the things I did might have made me temporarily happy, but not for the long run.
In Arch 2, around 1/3 of my plates were late. Like I said earlier, I only felt like doing what I wanted to do and when I wanted to. I realized that this act of mine did not only affect my grades or even just myself. I realized how selfish I was, and that’s an understatement. I am not called an Iskolar ng Bayan for nothing. A percentage of people’s taxes goes to my tuition fee. People work hard and strive to pay for taxes. Some even strive harder to feed their families after that. Social responsibility, another thing I’ve taken for granted in high school.
In Assumption, I was given everything but freedom to only do what I wanted. In UP, I had a hard time coping with culture-shock being free to do whatever I wanted to. I was taught values in Assumption, but in that freedom of UP, I learned them. Although these realizations may be delayed, I’m grateful that they still surfaced. Education is not just about academics. Don’t keep your mind closed around that. Expand your horizons, know how to integrate what your school taught you.
With freedom comes great responsibility.
Freedom is not a feeling.
It is a choice.
It is an achievement.
It is when you discover who you really are and what you are supposed to do.
It is when you learn to become a person for others.
…and with true freedom comes true happiness
And yes, you do find freedom in UP.
We used to be so close. Good friends, at that. We’d talk in class, heck, hang out after, even. We hardly talk now and whenever we do, there’s always this awkward friction rubbing in the silence in between conversational pauses. In the constant struggle to see you as a friend and fight back the feelings rising to a revolution against that struggle, the feelings might just be in the throne wearing its crown.
In less than a month of not seeing each other, so much has changed. And for what reason? I really don’t know. Am I just overreacting because I know I’m not in denial anymore? I don’t think so. Sure, I can admit to myself that I like you, but that’s it. I haven’t changed the ways I approach you. I haven’t changed that ways I used to talk to you. I haven’t changed anything about us, and this is how we are now? No hellos, hardly even glancing when we pass by each other? I guess I wouldn’t care if you reacted this way if you found out I liked you, but you never did find out. And there used to be a bond between us even stronger than these walls could ever shatter - friendship. It was there, and it was genuine.
And now, it is gone.
Again, I ask myself:
Why do I fall for the wrong people?
Pieces of insecure flesh
Gathered up and tied
In awkward bundles
Left and right
At least that’s what
the mirror says